Pay a Visit, don't Stay

It's easy to run for a while,
Easy to trust another smile
To speak the truth while lying,
Curse the accused for your crime.
But for the patient wrath of time
By the Godfather's words, I live, I die.

Papers and dust lie on the wood
Each waiting only to be removed
Belittled is his presence today,
For his memories have turned grey
A silent knife seeks blood, sniffs prey
Thirsty dead winds howl over a grave.

Kill me twice, let's taste the sour grapes
Kill me in the name of your helplessness.
For I am unbreakable, I'm invincible;

Are two different coins, life and death
I will belong to only one like I always have
The other is welcome to visit but not to stay.

Thank You, Breaking Bad

All good things come to an end, they say. But this was Bad, and it wasn't just good - it was the absolute Best!
4th July, better known as the American Independence Day would be much more significant in my life, for this is the day I started watching Breaking Bad. Today's date is July 24th. In a matter of 20 days, this 'fiction' has turned my life upside down. For a guy who had forgotten to live for himself, this series has been a new lease of life. Words will always fall short to convey the feelings hidden in the tears running over my cheekbones.

Who is Walter White, exactly? Is he among everyone of us? No, he isn't! He is present in a select few in today's world.  Wodehouse once wrote, 'The Right triumphs in this world much more often than we realize.' It is funny that in our world that stands on foundations of modern twisted logic, we say right and wrong are relative. May be a little introspection will always tell us the absolute difference!
In this bullshit civilization, sacrifice has to hide in love, honesty is met with ridicule, morality is questioned by the immoral.

Have you ever asked yourself what you're really good at? You must have, haven't you? Well, if not then better quit reading this article and fuck off.
So what are you good at? Take a moment. Yes, Now! A little thinking does no harm.
Are you then spending most of your time doing what you just thought about? If you are, I envy you. In case you are like me - doing something you can manage, say in an above average way, are you happy?
Here's a free question : If you're doing something you love with your life, would you ever be able to give it up? When have you felt that you can do something better than anyone else?
 As Walter says, it is rare! If you feel you're the best at something would anyone else asking you to shut your operations matter at all?

I, for one have found a reason to celebrate my life. Yes, I was living my life holed up in a pit, chained with a thousand misgivings. After 20 days, Mr. White has let me drive through the closed gates. No, he hasn't taught me to live his life. Never once has he asked me to be him. He has gifted me a freedom and taught me to value it for the rest of my life.
Being a murderer isn't that bad a thing. It was important to kill my fear.

I am not Walter White. I can never be. I can only learn from him. I am the one who wouldn't listen to him and yet he would persist with me. I hate him for thousands of reasons. Yet I love him without an idea why. At the end, when well wishers fail to rescue me, he always turns up. He will save millions like me, silently and yet he will be prosecuted for being on the Nazi team. Yes, the world will prefer to call him Heisenberg. And I will prefer to call this world a Bitch!

So who am I? I'm everyone who was born Post WW2. I am anyone born with a freedom a few great men thought I deserved but didn't win for myself. It somehow perfectly makes sense now. True, Heisenberg was never in danger, he was the danger! Danger to the danger.

I'll knock when the curtains forget to roll
I'll take my caravan on a desert stroll
Dealers of death will buy what they sell
Crystals will come alive in a reclusive blue
I'll teach you how to love, kill and count
My days are numbered yet my life is new
I'll leave behind a legacy while you're asleep
I opened the cage for the bird that flew.

Dedicated to the loving memory of Walter Hartwell White

Raat

Nijhum raat night-lamp jwele boshe ache
Koto kichu bolar ache tar, sobai ghumonto
Se likhte chay kintu muchtei pare sudhu
Chonder shoshane akkhhor er ahuti bartaman!

Jodi keu jagto tar sathe ki hoto?
Ei bhebe raat ektu dukkho pay;
Keu to karor janyo kore na kichu-
Raat jane, kintu shabdo korte pare na!

Alo raat ke mukhchora bhabe
Raat naki spontaneous noy tar moto -
Kintu se ar ki jane, Bharat barshe
First Order transition physically unacceptable.

Tai raat kauke kichu bole na
Khola janlay proticchobi dyakhe
Samay er katha bhabte shuru kore
Sudhu samay i jane tar gopon sob kichu.

X,Y... A

Wish I had a learner's license
And my sins would be forgotten!

I write and erase my lines. Rarely for the erased lines do I feel sorry. I wonder why people blame the creator when they are hurt. The Creator simply does not have the luxury to care about all His subjects.

You speak of broken dreams
While buying love for a dime
The world swims into your grip,
Few birds are not born to fly.

I don't have much to say today. It's an usual morning with a tinge of unusual. The very fact that I'm writing at 7 a.m. is not such a common phenomenon at MSA II. Well, seasons change in a cycle and so does life. If only our so called love lives followed a similar circle! ;)

The goal keeper is the only one who loves the football. While everyone's desire is to put it in the net, it's the keeper who stands against all in order to prevent the trapping. The football doesn't do anything at all. Yet, it keeps you alive, inside the net or not.

I can only smile to myself,
Conclusions are always hard to find.

After the End

The bullet leaves as she sings a lullaby
Drops of blood and rain turn alibis
The heart starts the process of stopping
His footsteps splash water all over the railings.

The ignition signals for redemption
For each crime the deceased signed
Windscreens keep clearing the view
Tyres roll; the radio hums the rhyme.

Smells and stains evaporate in time
Into the sky for a cleaner breath;
Seasons change and the city turns pink
A famous bullet dies a forensic death.

He finally reaches their tree house
She's there, the lullaby on her lips
                        And he lets the gun fall,
                        Circling through the void;
Night dawns on their world slowly
Exit wounds would soon be forgotten.

Re-constructing (A Breaking Bad Tribute)

The creator looks through the smoke
In search of the mythic blue crystal
The ventilator awaits an oxidant
The exhaust pipe burns crimson gold.

Never mind my business, Electrolyte
The battery is dead, as expected
They teach about the soul that's humane
But this death's no hangover, it's real!

Melodies cry out in writhing pain
Chains of lust dig nails in your brain
A shiny knife draws blood on sand
Pretty wife licks the blood beforehand.

Oh yes, I'm high! Soaring over your lows,
A bastard's mother just sold him to the crows;
The air outside my van is such lush green
My teeth sink into the tongue until you begin to bleed.

Heisenberg, Player marks his territory
Bones of winter fight for heredity.
A taste of what you create is yet to come
The monster, set free will never be quiet.

So congratulations, I'm still awake
But the eye lids have already started to beg
What if the long awaited nap starts now?
What if the monster rises, silently before you?

Liberation

There's something behind the bush
Something cold, dark and sharp
The cold north wind has come back to town
To haunt a few, to pay forgotten dues.
A boy waits for the bus as a predator stalks
The Grim shoots a glance towards the clock.

The guitar jumps to the sharpest tunes
Ripples come alive in a near-by pond
Cigarette burns between locked  fingers
As letters burn to wash away the past
A distant song about an unknown Hotel
Swims through the senses deep into the blood.

The knocks get a little louder on the door
Pen and paper make love once more
Desires loop out into yet another nothingness
An embryo forms in the womb of the Goddess.
Water breaks on the universe, here comes the rain
No matter how many days you live, live without shame.

Kolkata, A lover's Tale.

Kolkata. A city. An entity. A culture. A song. A romance. A graveyard.

Being my mother's home, Kolkata was the fairytale city of my childhood. Even though I never had the typical Bengali Kolkata-prem, my destiny has always sent me spiralling into the chaos of this city. Be it the choice of St. Xavier's or my PhD life, Kolkata unfortunately will bear the stamp of my gain and loss, more loss than gain.
A school friend once said, "Kolkata kills ambition!" How vehemently I had disagreed with him at that time! I must say this guy was well ahead of his time. Kolkata slow poisons its prisoners and does so beautifully. It gives you hope, provides you with a ladder, even allows you to throw the dice but it never shows the snakes on the board! You can be this close to victory and yet so far.
The funny part is that you cannot blame anything else but yourself.
This is the city that gave me freedom and snatched it away . I find it amusing how Kolkata lets you breathe, yet chokes you at its will. This city gave me a friend for life only to slowly reveal chinks in the friendship armour!

At times, when I've felt defeated, this is the city that took me in her shelter and gave me new hopes! Yes, Kolkata has shown me life like nothing else. She has been a mirror, reflecting the inner turmoil as well as the light that lies buried inside. For all my disturbances, she has always drenched me with the western wind. She has shown me the Sun breaking the veils of darkness and she has led me to darkness when I had wanted time to stop.

I have lived in her glory, smiled with her when change set sails on her banks. I feel helpless today as the wind reverses its direction. I want to stand right up against the wind and claim her for me. But she never was mine to protect. She belongs to the history books. Writers will load College Street with stories of her desires, lovers will pack shelves with collections of her pictures. She doesn't need to pose, my Tilottoma. At least, in my world of words, do I get to call her mine. If I were the phoenix, she would be my fire and my hopes, the ashes.

I am just another admirer, like thousands before and after me. I wish I were one of those blessed ones who actually had something to give to this city.

Someday, my dear safe house, I hope you know there lived a guy who loved you.

The day he turned Fifty : Part I

Year : 2039
Date : x/1/39

The alarm gave a violent kick to the beautiful morning dreams of Neel. He slowly pushed open his sleep deprived eyes to check the watch. Yes,  5:30...time to wake up.
There was one trait Neel had acquired from his father- sleeping late. But he knew well enough that Dad will be enjoying a sound sleep at this hour. Neel smiled to himself. He had so many things in common with his father...love for parents being the primary one.
At seventeen, Neel was matured for his age. The main reason for this would be his father, again. It had always been his father's priority that Neel understood from an early age how the world functions , something he wished that he himself had.
Neel had been a bright boy since childhood. Being good both in sports and studies, he was a favourite among most in school. But it was his understanding of social issues that made him the star in his father's eyes. This was a father-son relationship that bordered on friendship but dived deep into protectiveness, a fact Neel understood all too well.

Today his father turns Fifty. Neel left his bed and ignoring the cold walked steadily to the cupboard. He was still feeling a little unsure about what he was about to do. Was he stretching it too far? But the boundaries were never sharp enough! He opened the cupboard and carefully took out an old diary. On the top right hand side was inscribed, Diary 2014.

Neel has always known his father as a passionate person even though his father keeps mewling over exactly the opposite. He had asked his father numerous times to hold the pen again but the only response was that the passion wasn't there anymore. Yet on enquiring on what made him give up writing his father would maintain silence. At times he would read out his favourite pieces to his son but wouldn't write anything new. His father, somehow was lost in the past. To Neel this veil was an injustice to his mother. When accidentally Neel found this diary, he was so overwhelmed that he thought it best to keep quiet. But how could he? This was a chapter in his father's life which had had the most significant impact.  
Twenty five years ago, a different man existed - a boy more than a man, yet a man, nonetheless.

Neel flipped through the pages and finally made up his mind. The clock showed 6:15. He hurried out of his room and ran into his parents' whose doors were always kept wide open for Neel to sneak in anytime, he wished. He saw his parents conversing softly, as his mother's palm circled on his father's chest. They love each other. Am I doing the right thing? Should I really be demanding answers? But why not? If they have love for each other, shouldn't everything be out in the open? Dad loves the past. Neither me nor Ma will judge him, ever. He can and he should be free! Neel knocked on the door with the diary in his hands and smile on his lips.

Sujay and Anuradha looked up brightly at their son's smiling face. Here comes the boy to wish his father. Oh! there's the diary. His parents looked at each other and Sujay spoke first, 'Come here, son.'
Neel : Happy Birthday, Dad!
He handed the diary over to his father and said, 'Is she the woman of your life, then?'
Anuradha who was messing with her boy's hair let out a chuckle. Then she turned towards Sujay, "Ebar bojha chele ke! Nije pakiyechis."
Sujay took the diary from Neel and smiled effortlessly, "Afterlife."

Of a life currently influenced by Game of Thrones and Amitav Ghosh

The latest season of Game of Thrones has finally got rid of its artistic (protecting) hood. We have finally found the glimpse of a bank which chooses a side to back in a war. The bank, no, not even the bank shits gold, let alone the Lannisters! The bank will back whoever pays the debts! Today might be your time but alas! The time runs fast in Westeros, faster than in today's Earth.
Isn't it amazing how a fictionalized political drama states fact much more simply and honestly than all the so called news and information centres?
We even see characters as brutal and true as life permits. A man in love with a woman since they were kids, rather obsessed with her seta a whole kingdom on fire. What happens after the woman dies? This lover hits on her daughter! True, assholes exist. In the third season, we found love. Sadly though, all the love stories were torn apart by the end. Yes, existence calls for sacrifices. Some sell swords, some souls; the few who are driven by love end up dead - thus playing no role in the world ruled by banks. Funny.
In the sixth episode of the 4th season, we find a helpless boy searching for answers of his father's murder from a Queen who believes in justice : Is it fair to counter violence with violence?

No, it is never fair when you are at the receiving end.

Amitav Ghosh. A Bengali, who writes in English and creates spectacular magic.
By now, I have read four of his books. The first one, I recall was The Calcutta Chromosome. A science fiction spanning both time and space, the book introduced to me his amazing story telling. I followed it up with the brilliant, The Hungry Tide. This was an English novel, yet it always felt as if I was reading a fantastic narrative in Bengali! Apart from the research that forms the core of his work, the characters still win as the highlights of his books. Kanai will haunt me forever, for it was in him that I could and can still see my future. At times, it is good to watch the world as it is. May be that's what God does. He writes the code, sets the parameters and runs the simulation. Experiment. We are mere particles worrying about our existence while He cares truly about the result. Only when the result doesn't seem to be that interesting, he probably perturbs the system accordingly. So what exactly is in our hands, I ask again.
In The Glass Palace, Ghosh praises the dark room - where something is created out of nothing. Being a physics graduate who's not an atheist, I can easily relate to it. What is the source of the first ever thing that existed? Pity, the question loops in a contradiction.
The last book I read was the Sea of Poppies. We see a proud, rich Raja, also a passionate lover, lose everything only to discover himself. Yes, there still exist people who don't give in. The cruelty of the world only serves to make them stronger and smarter. They don't do to the world what the world does to them. They live on; in pages, mud and winds. Then there's Jodu. A man who rows his own boat, which breaks. But the exact opposite happens with him. He makes his way to the top of the ship, where he belongs, in the world of winds.

Yes, the name suits him, Azad.

p.s. Being a Bengali, who loves aloo posto and discussing politics, poppies and thrones make a combination one can't resist.

The Dark Room

A few open pages
Hold a series of lines
As a cool breeze
Flows in through the open window
My darkness, egulfs
All but my face
As the woman plucks the strings
In the sands located far away.

The sounds of various darkness appear
And disappear within the vaults of memories
A fusion of despair and rhythms, colourless dreams;
And a voice keeps haunting through the arteries.
Winter has left a bone too many in the paradise
The returning shephard hides sins in the eyes.

So, my dear darkness
Run over me tonight
Like a dice rolling through history
Take my hand and embrace me
Make my childhood flash
All over this silent sky
The stretches of my imagination
Are demanding to fly.