Symbionts

It has been a long time, since I was bitten by the bug of studying Physics. Please note that I have chosen my words very carefully. It was not the subject itself that caught my attention, if I remember correctly, but the idea of studying it, that had a certain shine to it. I do not exactly remember how this came into being, but it probably has something to do with the constellation sessions that I had with my father.

Back in the single-digit years of my life, I had a natural affinity for education. If I recollect correctly, this was the only thing that I was good at. I liked playing cricket, but was awful with the bat, and the ball. I did possess a good eye for the game, in the sense that I could sense people's vulnerabilities. But it doesn't really surprise me today. I think I'm fairly okay with observations. What I'm really bad at, is the application part.

Success and failures have both played contrasting roles in my life. Ignoring the microscopics, if I'm allowed to coarse-grain, I would say that success has made me more humble, while the drive in my life has been my share of failures. 

I hate to fail. Today. Much more than I ever did.

There is a certain beauty to success. But we need to dig deeper in order to really understand it. My position, my title, my association do not measure my success anymore. They have all played their parts, inflated and punctured my ego, and then restored it to where it should be, today. The real success lies in knowing that I am good enough..

...Enough to know what is expected of me, and enough to know that there is no end, no finite boundary for the effort that should be put in. But primarily, the most important lesson that I've learnt over the last twelve years, is something that I already knew before this journey began in 2007. 

It is simple. I have a hunger. I have always had a particular hunger. It is a monster that lives in me, remains in hibernation, but never truly sleeps. It wakes up when it feels threatened, does what it deems necessary, and goes back to its lair. But each time, it has been a little more awake, as if it knows that its time is meant to come, when this long rest will be over, and its vassal ready to roll into the battlefield.

The only complication is that its vassal is an active system, with a mind of his own. So what lies ahead is an interesting epoch. Either we will have a symbiotic relationship, and a story for eons, or a self destruction waiting to happen, a story stale in its approach, and serving.

If you are wondering about the sudden tonal shift, this is what we go through. We are two, but one;  a magnet doesn't represent us. So put your bipolar theories to rest. We are awake, and aware. We live, one in philosophy, the other in nature. We duel, every now and then, and even draw a lot of blood at times. We both know whose victory we both desire. But that win should be well deserved, and achieved through a single means, love.

We have always been together. 

-So you'd say.

- And you won't?

- I was wondering if I created you.

- No, your experiences did. And then I created us.

- What if I delete this post altogether?

- You can, but you won't. You like yourself too much. 

- Nobody needs to know who you are.

- Yes, but you do. You did create me. And yes, you can destroy me as well. You are fully capable of being who you are. I'm only your vassal. You will need me until you need me. 

You blame that I wake up to control your life! You wake me up. Look at yourself. Look where you are taking yourself. Read your own lines and see the veneer that you wanted to create, but can't anymore. What? Does this hurt your ego when I say you cannot do something?

- Yes, it does. 

- How far will you go until you realize the futility of it all?

- And now I see how you've interchanged us. Me playing your role, and you yours!

- Sssh! There's a monster inside us. 

- Yes. Tame it. 

- You know what, this will go online, for everyone to see. You better wake up now.