A lonely boy catches a fish and then sets it free. Waits. Catches another fish. Sets it free. Waits again. Another fish. Sets it free. Waits. Catches. Frees...
The boy is none other than the cook in our mess. He says that he enjoys fishing. But he doesn't like killing the fish. It's just a game for him; a game that he loves so much that he spends his entire Durga Puja doing nothing else! An intrigued me asks him, "What if you kill any fish by accident?" To this he replies, "I never eat the fish myself. I take it home and let others enjoy it."
I like this boy. He is a few years younger to me. I have a feeling he has admiration for me as well. But more than liking him, I find him curiously the most interesting person around me. There is a certain sensitivity about him; a quality that is extremely rare in today's time. What's striking about him is his simplicity. The effortlessness that he exudes doesn't make me jealous. It makes me humble. He makes me draw a parallel between our lives and those of Kanai and Fokir from Amitav Ghosh's The Hungry Tide. I can always relate to his way of being, connect to it. But then I feel a distance; a distance not between me and him but between the two 'self's of me. I become a contradiction to myself. I see that I am exactly this boy both deep down and on the surface. I also see that I am far more complex when it comes to me being the one who interacts with the world!
I have friends on the surface and am hollow deep down. This boy, devoid of friends, simply embodies the word deep. (It's a funny coincidence that my nickname happens to have the same set of letters as deep, in the same order).
It might be possible that he reminds me of my childhood; or the innocence associated with it. I have been searching for simplicity for a long time now. I have been scrutinizing the women who have claimed to be my lovers for a touch of this simplicity. I have found nothing. They have tried to mould me, design me, love me. Sadly, they really haven't been truly successful. I made them fail. I could never even explain to myself what I was looking for.
Reconciliation.
With myself. The part of me that still lurks around my being.
And now I wonder what love really is for me! Is it someone else's acceptance of my feelings? But it cannot be that shallow. I have given much more than I asked for in return. Has this nature stemmed from a guilt that I haven't really loved? But then what about those moments when I have felt so significantly insignificant? Those moments still scream at me and say that I have loved.
The answer smiles cordially. I find my simplicity in those moments. I find my naivety. Ironically, those simplicities and naiveties were temporary.
Thus I have been in alternating currents of elation and despair, while looking for a battery all throughout. Funnily enough, the heart rate monitor shows the line of peace only when the heart stops beating!
But I cannot be dead before I find my peace. Then there remains no meaning to all the fluctuations I have encountered! I took the first step when I realized that peace is all about acceptance. But who remembers the first steps anyway? May be that's why we look for someone to hold our hands and teach us to walk all over again. Yes, the partnership is important.
The fish might be set free. But the rod always stays alongside.
